Things Distracting Me At Work Today….

January 5th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink


I’m in a funk. And I know that all of us get into a funk every now and then, but, I think it’s just way too early in the new year for me to be so darn melancholy. 2011 is cool and all, but in the midst of my angst surrounding my current job and my uncertainty regarding my ”ultimate” career path (and the ever daunting future) I find myself viewing it more as a year of tackling some pretty overwhelming questions and trying to figure out ways to stop myself from retreating into a corner. Gaaaah.

Well, being in a funk is never fun. So, instead of stressing myself with all of the things that I’m so unsure about, I’ve been spending my time thinking about things I can control and plan for like….VACATION. If I ever felt the need to get away, it’s now. Lol.
So, number one on the list of the things distracting me at work today is my top vacation spots that I’d like to hit before 2012. Let’s see if we can make it happen.

Universal Studios – Orlando, FL
I am determined to make it here this year to get on that damn Harry Potter ride. I promise you that I will make it to Orlando, even if it’s only for a weekend. Who’s with me?
Las Vegas, Nevada
Just ’cause I feel like I have to make it to Vegas in my early twenties, you know, before people can judge me for acting like a reckless Vegas first-timer. And who knows? Maybe I’ll win big and splurge on seeing Celine Dion.
Somewhere with a BEACH
The beach really is my happy place. Like, actually. So when I say “the beach,” it really can be anywhere warm, where I can sit in the sand with a cocktail, look at the ocean, and forget for just a few days that I live in “the city that never sleeps.” And it’s about time I made my way to the Carribbean. Any suggestions?
I want to shop and eat lunch in Harrods, see Big Ben, and really just sit in a coffee shop or something somewhere and listen to people talk. Lol. And hopefully travel around Europe a bit. Oh, and…ur totally coming with me. ;)
Ok, my list could go on and on and on, but if I make it to at least two of these spots this year, I think I’ll be a happy camper. Dream big, right? I totally feel better already….OK, back to work.

Where Racial and Religious Discrimination Meet

August 27th, 2010 § 0 comments § permalink

So Amber,

Twenty days later and I gotta come back to this mosque topic. I’m heated again. The latest is this video:

I wanted to tear some heads off when I saw this. Scream. Cry. The works. It is disgustingly ugly. 

And racial.

They may be chanting “No Mosque here” but it is so much more than fear of a religion. It demonstrates that the perceptions of Islam in America (and the Western world) are racialized. This man, trying to get through a crowd, is chanted at, verbally abused and dehumanized because he is a man of color and he wore a “weird” hat. The combination of the two signaled to the crowd that he was Muslim. Because he was (perceived to be) Muslim, he must be their opponent.

I read a comment that said (not a direct quote) “Stop saying its racist stupid. It’s a religion.” And this is what I want to talk about. Why this video is racist.

I’ve made comments to people before about how racist the language against Islam is, and they often don’t understand me. They understand that the language isn’t good, but they don’t see race involved. The color of someone’s skin is never verbalized, so how is it racist? It’s about religion and culture.

But here it is to see. A sea of white faces angrily following a black man and chanting. As he puts it, “All ya’ll dumb motherfuckers don’t even know my opinion on shit.”

But they think they do. Because of how he appears. Because they see Islam as a religion that is not white. Because he is a black man wearing certain clothing. Because they see him as other. As foreign. As not American (you know, the “real” America).

What is “other” to them? Islam is. Blackness is. In the context of a protest against Islam (or a Mosque at Ground Zero…whichever you want to say), race becomes a stand-in for religion.

It doesn’t matter that he says, “I’m not even Muslim.”

Why is this video racist? Why are the conversations European countries have about ridding their countries of the influence of Islam racist? Why are tv shows, movies, articles about terrorism so often racist? Because race and religion cross each other is so many contexts. Because one is used to characterize the other. Nothing is scarier than a black Muslim man.

I can barely write this without wanting to rip something to shreds. This entire issue makes me so upset: Real people are hurt by this bullshit. Politicians can bow to polls like it doesn’t matter, but real people are hurt. This man does not walk away from it unscathed. Neither do those who watch it and feel the heat and anger directed towards them.

This is when I really hate the world.

I wanted this post to be more thoughtful, more intellectual, but right now, it can only come out as emotional. It’s just too deep.

Blogging as Therapy (Cont): The Feminist Friend Zone

July 16th, 2010 § 4 comments § permalink


I can relate to your story all too well. If I had a dollar for the number of conversations about “Feminism” that I’ve had with men in the past couple years, I would be one wealthy sista…ya dig? They are conversations that need to happen and many times when both parties are “trying to understand, [them] listening to you and [you] to them” it can be very fruitful and a lot can be learned.

BUT, my friend, how does all of this translate when it comes to dating these men?

I thought that I had put this topic to rest (at least for a little while) and found peace and contentment in seeking my “wholeness.” As you may recall, in my earlier “Blogging as Therapy” post, I emphasized that “wholeness” is the ultimate goal—but let’s be real. Getting there is a journey all on its own that is much easier said than done. So as I continue to tread along this path, how do I deal with all the obstacles (to achieving said wholeness) along the way?

What reopened this pandora’s box (of sorts) was a blog post that I read on The Crunk Feminist Collective entitled, “Dating While Feminist: Anatomy of an Intellectual Affair,” which I found via my boyfriend in my head, Marc Lamont Hill’s, twitter page. This post is completely different from the “F*cking While Feminist” interview with Jaclyn Friedman that I posted on several weeks ago. Although I found Friedman’s interview entertaining, I must admit that I didn’t really identify with it. While reading this post on the CFC, however, I found myself rolling my eyes, laughing out loud, and giving the author, Crunktastic, a fierce, “Okkkkkaaaaay….” *snaps*

In the post, Crunktastic shares a snapshot of her own experiences with dating and in effect, highlights what many single, successful, educated women who identify as feminist go through on dates with single, successful, educated, brothas who identify as the same. She writes:

You and a brother meet at an academic event. Perhaps you’re both guest panelists on some discussion about Black life, culture, or politics. You hear what he has to say and think to yourself depending on your needs at the time, “The brother is intelligent, articulate, and cute to boot. I wanna get to know him better.” And if you’re honest, you probably also think, “Wow. He could get it.” The brother sees you and thinks (apparently, and I’m most certainly speculating), “Wow. She’s attractive and really, really smart. Probably couldn’t pull her though. I don’t have enough degrees [money, etc, etc]. There are basically three types of dude reactions in this scenario: dude A will ignore you entirely. Dude B the educated, but intimidated jerk will attempt to diminish you to make himself feel better. Dude C has home-training and considers himself progressive. He respects strong, intelligent women. His mama probably is one. So he befriends you. For you, it’s the start of a beautiful friendship with tantalizing possibilities. For him, it is and will only ever be friendship, because he perceives that you are more intelligent and accomplished than he. And that makes you friendable, but not datable, and certainly not f*ckable. Why the two are mutually exclusive is absolutely beyond me.”

Gaaah. So deep. Friend Zoned Feminist = no fun. I must say that I have seen this time and time again–guys who are interested in working out all of their personal ish with you (the stuff that they don’t really feel comfortable talking about with their boys, i.e. emotional baggage, insecurities, and vulnerabilities) and fostering a deep emotional connection without the committment or much reciprocity. As one commentor put it, “Doing girlfriend duty, without the girlfriend benefits.” Hmph.

So, what is a feminist to do? And more importantly, what is the real conversation that we need to be having here? Successful, motivated women aren’t the problem. It goes much much deeper than that…

Ugh. All I have is questions and very few answers. But, at the end of the day, I can honestly agree with Crunktastic–“Dating While Feminist*” is DEEP, to say the least.

*Sort of

I Am Woman: White Privilege and Feminism

July 7th, 2010 § 2 comments § permalink

Picture this: Fellowship Hour at church with some good chili. Myself and three others get into a discussion about feminism. I ask the two guys: are you a feminist? Both are hesitant to simply say “yes.” Those pesky “extreme” feminists get in the way. And so proceeds an hour long conversation about feminism. I’m not sure I didn’t scare some grown folks – I get very passionate. ;)

But here were two examples of guys who were trying to understand, who were listening to me and I to them. It’s always wonderful to have those kinds of conversations. I want to work so hard at dispelling the myth that feminism is only for women. It is also for men. And it isn’t just about “women can do whatever men can do,” but understanding the standards and social constructs that privilege men. Often I respond angrily in situations because of how I am made to feel, as a woman, whether belittled or silenced or inadequate or objectified.

So I am feminist.

But I sometimes have trouble saying that. It’s loaded. It means so much to so many different people – many times unflattering perspectives. Not only that but it is just complicated. As we had this conversation, I was well aware that I was speaking to a black man and a white man. Gender is not the only factor at play in our experiences and relationships. Because, while I lack one privilege, I have another.

I hesitate to firmly announce “I am feminist, hear me roar,” when feminism historically has been a space for the voices of white women. White women have employed their white privilege, even as they demand men to relinquish theirs. And because of that, as you suggest, white women sacrifice their wholeness.

I think my hesitation in fully claiming the “feminist” title (no caveats) is a part of my own attempt at claiming wholeness. The idea of wholeness gives me shivers. The idea of claiming myself – no caveats – is miraculous. But as I strive, I will continue to add my asterisks: I am feminist.*

*Sort of. 

PS – I love blogging. This post went in a direction I didn’t intend and I love it – blogging as therapy indeed. 

Blogging as Therapy Vol. 1: Male Privilege, Dating, and Feminism

June 15th, 2010 § 1 comment § permalink


I’ve been in a bit of a funk (#Glee!) lately. I must admit that said funk is a contributor to why I haven’t posted for several weeks. There are so many topics that have been swimming around in my head, but to actually sit and write about them has proven to be pretty daunting. With that said, it’s no fun being in a funk and sitting around thinking about how you are in a funk just makes it worse. We kind of started this blog, on the “blogging as therapy” tip and if you don’t mind, I think that I’m going to take it back there for a little while.

As a first post on this “blogging as therapy” series, which is bound to become a trend (due to the funk), I’ve decided to tackle a topic that has become an extremely relevant part of my everyday life and that one reader (s/o to JCH!) suggested we publicly consider—the complicated intersection of male privilege, feminism, and relationships between men and women (platonic and otherwise). Deep (But really though, I just always want to talk about this. Let’s be real.)

I recently read an interview done by The Sexist, a blog on that focuses on sex and gender in Washington, D.C., entitled “Fucking While Feminist.” In the piece, Amanda Hess, blogger for The Sexist, interviewed feminist activist and author, Jaclyn Friedman.

In the interview Hess asks Friedman several questions about the difficulties of “dating while feminist” including whether or not she has a “feminist litmus test” that she references when getting to know a guy. Overall, I thought the interview was pretty light-hearted and entertaining, and I do think that Friedman brought up some very interesting points that I have considered in regard to my own interactions with men.

I don’t know if I would quite label myself a feminist for my own personal reasons, but I am one to actively challenge traditional understandings of gender and societal roles assigned to men and women. With that said, sexism has definitely become an important factor for me in forming relationships with men and to be honest has proven to be a very real source of frustration. How does one compromise? IS there a litmus test?

I recently attended a panel discussion on Black Male Privilege put together by the Brecht Forum in New York City. The panelists included Marc Lamont Hill, Associate Professor of Education at Teachers College, Columbia University; Byron Hurt, award winning filmmaker, anti-sexism activist, and essayist; R.L. Heureux Lewis, Assistant Professor of Sociology and Black Studies at the City College of New York; and Mark Anthony Neal, Professor of Black Popular Culture at Duke University & author of “The New Black Man: Redefining Black Masculinity.” The discussion was organized and moderated by Esther Armah, international award winning journalist, playwright and radio host of Wake Up Call & Off The Page (WBAI 99.5 FM).

I went to the discussion skeptical about the fact that there were no women on the panel (except for Armah serving as the moderator) and eager to hear what was to be said because panel discussions on Black Male Privilege just don’t happen. Apparently, lots of other individuals felt the same way, because the place was packed. I arrived about ten minutes before the discussion began, and it was already standing room only. Armah began by asking each of the panelists if they thought Black male privilege was real and if so, how would they define it. Two and half hours later the room was still full, the discussion was still going strong, and I left feeling a little more hopeful about the Black community generally, and relationships with men in particular.

Going into depth on the panel would require a whole other post to do it justice, but a significant theme that each of the panelists continued to emphasize was that feminism is not just a women’s movement, and sexism is not just a women’s problem, it affects all of us. Although there are many benefits to privilege, there are also many limitations and constraints, which may be easier to ignore, but are just as damaging (interdisciplinary/cultural studies 101, but we are quick to forget). It is when we start to recognize the parts of ourselves that we are forced to repress and the ways that we are still put into boxes, even while claiming privilege, that we can truly begin to see that with these constraints none of us can ever really be whole. And really, what more can you ask for out of life than to be whole, intact, complete—fully content with who you are and in the ability to express yourself. Wholeness is the goal.

With that said, in searching for my wholeness, I would like to think that I have become a little more patient with individuals who are also searching for theirs, that is unafraid to be introspective and challenge their beliefs and opinions. So when it comes to friendship and dating, it may sound cliché, but I think an open mind goes a very long way.

Private Party (Part 1)

February 24th, 2010 § 0 comments § permalink


You are absolutely right. It has been two years, and I love that even though so much has changed, the conversations haven’t stopped. ☺

I must admit that when we decided to start this blog, I already knew what the focus of my first post would be…


Ugh. “Why,” you ask? Well, because no matter how hard I try to escape the conversations, the thoughts, and the propaganda I still seem to be bombarded. Relationships—they are the hot topic around the water cooler, the main plot of too many of my favorite sitcoms, a source of angst for a growing number of my closest friends, and don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day in New York City (smdh). So, I’ve decided that instead of avoiding it, I am going to face this bad boy head on (no pun intended).

Yes, relationships, coupledom, “love.” As a single recent college graduate attempting to put the craziness of undergrad behind me and transition into adulthood (whatever that means), I am finding that as I think more and more about my professional future, I can’t help but also seriously consider the future of my personal life—and I am beginning to realize that it can be a bit dangerous.

At a very young age, most women are taught that “finding love” is an essential part of life. As young girls we planned out and discussed our wedding days, we thought up names for our unborn children (a boy first, and then a girl), we fantasized about meeting our perfect significant other, first dates, and first kisses. Over time, those innocent fantasies and daydreams become an integral part of our being—a void that we long to fill. We go through the motions and play the dating game all the while hoping that we will come across “the one,” but under the pressure of our ever ticking biological clocks and for fear of ending up alone, too many of us end up settling. We settle for partners who are selfish, partners who are dishonest, and partners who stress us the hell out (a lot more often than they make us smile). And yet, we hold on to them. Instead of letting go, we hope for change and better times, while knowing deep down that we should just walk away. Smdh.

(Is a piece really still better than none at all…in 2010?)

**side eye**

Why do we do this over and over again? Why do we settle? And more importantly, what is so scary about being…alone?

Why do we need someone else to complete us? Why are we so willing to love someone else before learning to love ourselves? That’s the real question and the difficult answer to face. The problem isn’t that we are looking for love, the problem is when “looking for love” is code for looking for someone else to fill a void—looking for someone, to make us forget our insecurities. We all need people to count on, to support us, and to hold us up when we are feeling low, but it is so important to be able to find wholeness, confidence, contentment in ourselves. I think it’s time we stop holding onto unhealthy relationships because we are too afraid to face our own personal demons. We need to learn who we are and to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else. It’s not easy, but it is so necessary.

Girl, I’ve been thinking about this for waaaaaay too long and the thoughts are still swimming around my head, so this is just the beginning on this topic. Sigh.

In the meantime, India always knows what she’s talking about.

In peace–

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