Private Party (Part 1)

February 24th, 2010 § 0 comments § permalink

Liz,

You are absolutely right. It has been two years, and I love that even though so much has changed, the conversations haven’t stopped. ☺

I must admit that when we decided to start this blog, I already knew what the focus of my first post would be…

RELATIONSHIPS.

Ugh. “Why,” you ask? Well, because no matter how hard I try to escape the conversations, the thoughts, and the propaganda I still seem to be bombarded. Relationships—they are the hot topic around the water cooler, the main plot of too many of my favorite sitcoms, a source of angst for a growing number of my closest friends, and don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day in New York City (smdh). So, I’ve decided that instead of avoiding it, I am going to face this bad boy head on (no pun intended).

Yes, relationships, coupledom, “love.” As a single recent college graduate attempting to put the craziness of undergrad behind me and transition into adulthood (whatever that means), I am finding that as I think more and more about my professional future, I can’t help but also seriously consider the future of my personal life—and I am beginning to realize that it can be a bit dangerous.

At a very young age, most women are taught that “finding love” is an essential part of life. As young girls we planned out and discussed our wedding days, we thought up names for our unborn children (a boy first, and then a girl), we fantasized about meeting our perfect significant other, first dates, and first kisses. Over time, those innocent fantasies and daydreams become an integral part of our being—a void that we long to fill. We go through the motions and play the dating game all the while hoping that we will come across “the one,” but under the pressure of our ever ticking biological clocks and for fear of ending up alone, too many of us end up settling. We settle for partners who are selfish, partners who are dishonest, and partners who stress us the hell out (a lot more often than they make us smile). And yet, we hold on to them. Instead of letting go, we hope for change and better times, while knowing deep down that we should just walk away. Smdh.

(Is a piece really still better than none at all…in 2010?)

**side eye**

Why do we do this over and over again? Why do we settle? And more importantly, what is so scary about being…alone?

Why do we need someone else to complete us? Why are we so willing to love someone else before learning to love ourselves? That’s the real question and the difficult answer to face. The problem isn’t that we are looking for love, the problem is when “looking for love” is code for looking for someone else to fill a void—looking for someone, to make us forget our insecurities. We all need people to count on, to support us, and to hold us up when we are feeling low, but it is so important to be able to find wholeness, confidence, contentment in ourselves. I think it’s time we stop holding onto unhealthy relationships because we are too afraid to face our own personal demons. We need to learn who we are and to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else. It’s not easy, but it is so necessary.

Girl, I’ve been thinking about this for waaaaaay too long and the thoughts are still swimming around my head, so this is just the beginning on this topic. Sigh.

In the meantime, India always knows what she’s talking about.

In peace–

Let’s Talk

February 19th, 2010 § 0 comments § permalink

Amber, do you realize it has been exactly two years this month since we met while studying abroad?  You wondered if I actually knew anything about gospel music as my facebook claimed, and I observed that behind those sunglasses you were watching everybody and THINKING.

It was the start of a beautiful friendship.  Which consisted of a great deal of long conversations until two in the morning in the Ghana heat.  If anyone listened at the door (and I believe someone did once – wink wink), they’d hear “that’s so deep” repeated many times.  Because whatever we were talking about, it was definitely deep.  Race, gender, neo-colonialism, taboos, relationships, group dynamics, America, Ghana.  Life.  Our heads were spinning. 

So here we are two years later and still having those deep conversations.  Sometimes frighteningly so. And so as a precursor to our future book – which will be awesome – let’s have this conversation down in writing.  And we’ll see what others have to say.  Maybe we’ll find some new people to discuss with and new topics to contemplate during those wee hours of the morning.

You know between the two of us, we’ll be coverin’ a lot.

Where am I?

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