Sex, Lies and….Teenagers

July 26th, 2010 § 1 comment § permalink

Oh Amber,

So deep. I spent a good chunk of time reading the conversation swirling around Crunktastic’s post and was reminded just how deep it really is. We’re broken – whether objectified or “friend”ified, our notions of gender and each other are broken. We may start to figure out one piece of the puzzle and suddenly we notice the big gaping hole that we didn’t know was there.

I’ve been thinking about youth and gender. Recently, I have consistently been confronted with many teenagers’ screwed up ideas of gender, sex and relationships.

So many boys talk about girls as objects for their pleasure, and they are so unaware of the falseness of this idea that they will do so with women (me) present. They claim to respect women, but they’re operating with an inaccurate definition. A definition taught to them by peers, music, movies and tv shows, and left unchecked by parents and society.

So many girls rely on boys’ attention for self-esteem. Nothing breaks my heart more than to see girls fall into this trap. They’re self-worth has been mutilated – what happened to slapping that boy who dared to touch your ass – like he just thought he could?

Both end up hurt. The boys as much as the girls. Neither know anything about relationships. Did you ever see “When Harry Met Sally?” Harry tells Sally that men and women can never be friends because the “sex part always gets in the way.” Well, when your hormones are raging, your self-esteem is shot, and your concept of “womanhood” and “manhood” is skewed, then sex most definitely gets in the way.

Sometimes I think we focus so much on preventing STDs and teenage pregnancies that we pass over all the other issues related to teenage sex (and why many are having sex) – self-worth, the worth of others, the value of relationships and what they actually look like. Don’t get me wrong, sex ed is important, but so is their emotional and social health.

And yes, media has a lot to do with it. And home. They get these images somewhere and if they aren’t taught how to filter, they buy into what’s being sold. And it hurts them.

And left to themselves, they will grow to be adults who know nothing about relationships.






** I should note that I speak very generally (“they”) but obviously, like any other group of people, teenagers have varying experiences. In this instance, however, I wanted to go general rather than specific.

Blogging as Therapy (Cont): The Feminist Friend Zone

July 16th, 2010 § 4 comments § permalink

Liz,

I can relate to your story all too well. If I had a dollar for the number of conversations about “Feminism” that I’ve had with men in the past couple years, I would be one wealthy sista…ya dig? They are conversations that need to happen and many times when both parties are “trying to understand, [them] listening to you and [you] to them” it can be very fruitful and a lot can be learned.

BUT, my friend, how does all of this translate when it comes to dating these men?

I thought that I had put this topic to rest (at least for a little while) and found peace and contentment in seeking my “wholeness.” As you may recall, in my earlier “Blogging as Therapy” post, I emphasized that “wholeness” is the ultimate goal—but let’s be real. Getting there is a journey all on its own that is much easier said than done. So as I continue to tread along this path, how do I deal with all the obstacles (to achieving said wholeness) along the way?

What reopened this pandora’s box (of sorts) was a blog post that I read on The Crunk Feminist Collective entitled, “Dating While Feminist: Anatomy of an Intellectual Affair,” which I found via my boyfriend in my head, Marc Lamont Hill’s, twitter page. This post is completely different from the “F*cking While Feminist” interview with Jaclyn Friedman that I posted on several weeks ago. Although I found Friedman’s interview entertaining, I must admit that I didn’t really identify with it. While reading this post on the CFC, however, I found myself rolling my eyes, laughing out loud, and giving the author, Crunktastic, a fierce, “Okkkkkaaaaay….” *snaps*

In the post, Crunktastic shares a snapshot of her own experiences with dating and in effect, highlights what many single, successful, educated women who identify as feminist go through on dates with single, successful, educated, brothas who identify as the same. She writes:

You and a brother meet at an academic event. Perhaps you’re both guest panelists on some discussion about Black life, culture, or politics. You hear what he has to say and think to yourself depending on your needs at the time, “The brother is intelligent, articulate, and cute to boot. I wanna get to know him better.” And if you’re honest, you probably also think, “Wow. He could get it.” The brother sees you and thinks (apparently, and I’m most certainly speculating), “Wow. She’s attractive and really, really smart. Probably couldn’t pull her though. I don’t have enough degrees [money, etc, etc]. There are basically three types of dude reactions in this scenario: dude A will ignore you entirely. Dude B the educated, but intimidated jerk will attempt to diminish you to make himself feel better. Dude C has home-training and considers himself progressive. He respects strong, intelligent women. His mama probably is one. So he befriends you. For you, it’s the start of a beautiful friendship with tantalizing possibilities. For him, it is and will only ever be friendship, because he perceives that you are more intelligent and accomplished than he. And that makes you friendable, but not datable, and certainly not f*ckable. Why the two are mutually exclusive is absolutely beyond me.”

Gaaah. So deep. Friend Zoned Feminist = no fun. I must say that I have seen this time and time again–guys who are interested in working out all of their personal ish with you (the stuff that they don’t really feel comfortable talking about with their boys, i.e. emotional baggage, insecurities, and vulnerabilities) and fostering a deep emotional connection without the committment or much reciprocity. As one commentor put it, “Doing girlfriend duty, without the girlfriend benefits.” Hmph.

So, what is a feminist to do? And more importantly, what is the real conversation that we need to be having here? Successful, motivated women aren’t the problem. It goes much much deeper than that…

Ugh. All I have is questions and very few answers. But, at the end of the day, I can honestly agree with Crunktastic–“Dating While Feminist*” is DEEP, to say the least.

*Sort of

I Am Woman: White Privilege and Feminism

July 7th, 2010 § 2 comments § permalink

Amber,
Picture this: Fellowship Hour at church with some good chili. Myself and three others get into a discussion about feminism. I ask the two guys: are you a feminist? Both are hesitant to simply say “yes.” Those pesky “extreme” feminists get in the way. And so proceeds an hour long conversation about feminism. I’m not sure I didn’t scare some grown folks – I get very passionate. ;)

But here were two examples of guys who were trying to understand, who were listening to me and I to them. It’s always wonderful to have those kinds of conversations. I want to work so hard at dispelling the myth that feminism is only for women. It is also for men. And it isn’t just about “women can do whatever men can do,” but understanding the standards and social constructs that privilege men. Often I respond angrily in situations because of how I am made to feel, as a woman, whether belittled or silenced or inadequate or objectified.

So I am feminist.

But I sometimes have trouble saying that. It’s loaded. It means so much to so many different people – many times unflattering perspectives. Not only that but it is just complicated. As we had this conversation, I was well aware that I was speaking to a black man and a white man. Gender is not the only factor at play in our experiences and relationships. Because, while I lack one privilege, I have another.

I hesitate to firmly announce “I am feminist, hear me roar,” when feminism historically has been a space for the voices of white women. White women have employed their white privilege, even as they demand men to relinquish theirs. And because of that, as you suggest, white women sacrifice their wholeness.

I think my hesitation in fully claiming the “feminist” title (no caveats) is a part of my own attempt at claiming wholeness. The idea of wholeness gives me shivers. The idea of claiming myself – no caveats – is miraculous. But as I strive, I will continue to add my asterisks: I am feminist.*


*Sort of. 

PS – I love blogging. This post went in a direction I didn’t intend and I love it – blogging as therapy indeed. 

Black Star Fever

July 3rd, 2010 § 0 comments § permalink


Liz,

Yesterday afternoon, after making into the World Cup Quarterfinals, Ghana’s Black Stars were eliminated by Uruguay in one of the best games in the tournament thus far. Tied 1-1 after extra time, Ghana was taken out by penalty kicks–the worst possible way to lose a soccer game in my opinion. Like, my friend, Trendology (a dedicated soccer fan) told me yesterday, “at that point, it’s all about luck.”

Although I am devastated, I am so proud of this team for being the only African team to make it to the quarterfinals, and for beating the odds time and time again. They have so much passion, so much heart, and the support of the (Pan)African community behind them.

To take it back and get a little nostalgic for a minute, the Black Stars will always have a special place of my heart for introducing me to the excitement and the high that only a game like soccer can give you. In January – February 2008, Ghana hosted the Africa Cup of Nations. We arrived in Ghana for our study abroad right in the midst of the pandemonium. The first thing I did after meeting my homestay family, was unpack and sit in the living room with them to watch Ghana play (and beat) Nigeria in the Quarterfinals. Their dedication to and investment in the Black Stars was like nothing I had ever seen or experienced. I began watching the game with indifference, but by the end of the game I was celebrating with the rest of my family, neighbors, and really the entire neighborhood when Ghana pulled through and advanced to the Semifinal. Black Star fever had gripped me and so had a new found respect for the game of soccer.

I have been rooting for Ghana throughout the cup (although I must admit I was a little torn when they beat the US…lol), and again, I must say I am so proud of the effort they put forth. Well done, team. WELL DONE.

GO BLACK STARS!!!

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