Private Party (Part 2)

March 3rd, 2010 § 0 comments

Amber,

You know what one of my biggest peeves is? Someone asks, “do you have a boyfriend?” and when I answer “no,” they ask, “why not?”

Why not? How am I supposed to answer that? It’s a dumb question, because either it’s asking, “what’s wrong with you?” or “why haven’t you just picked a man, any man?”  (It could be asking instead, “do you have a girlfriend,” but I’m of the opinion that no one asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend has that in mind.) To the first, it’s telling me that it must be my “fault” that I’m single. And to the second, it’s telling me that being single should never be an option. Being single isn’t a choice, it’s a dire situation.

(The last time someone asked me this, I answered “I don’t need a man,” which never sounds very good. Sigh.)

I stand firm that sometimes being single is the best choice, and certainly is when faced with “settling.”  Because you’re absolutely right; we too often try to find our value in someone else, and so never actually know our worth.

Which got me thinking in all kinds of directions. I feel like I’m constantly talking to people about relationships – who’s in one, who’s not, why, who might be soon?  The future is on everybody’s mind. And it’s not just the future of relationships, it’s the future of so many things. If we don’t have a job (ahem), we wonder when we will. If we do, we wonder when we’ll be able to find a better job. If we’re in grad school, we wonder what will happen next. Where will we live? What will we do? Who will we do it with?

It’s all just one big blob. Which makes me ask the question: Is it possible to only live in the here and now? Carpe diem, and all that crap. People are always saying, live in the moment! But I’m wondering is that really possible? Or is it merely wisdom that no one can use until they’re 40?

I don’t think I can go through the day without wondering what may happen next week or next month. How do I “celebrate the woman I’ve become” when I feel that there’s so much more to come? And just as “looking for love” is code for someone to fill the void, we can fill our void with the search for success, status or that future in the clouds. If just that one thing would change – that job, or that person, or that big break – life (and me) would be perfect.

I feel you on the need to learn who we are and how to love ourselves, but sometimes all those other things just crowd in and I want it all fixed. The relationship, the job, the life.

How do I seize the damn day?

(I feel like I just turned this into a therapy session and I’m on the couch. My bad.)

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